Leaving Home
by necessarily-anonymous
Summary: A look into why Spock really left at the end of the five year mission.


**A/N: ** I've been stalking this fandom for a few months now and today I finally felt the urge to write something. Unfortunately this is not porn ( i know, fail) but absolute 100% angst. I have always been curious as to what happened at the end of the five year mission and what prompted Spock to leave. To me it was never one single event, but the fact that the end of the 5 year mission forced them both to see the truth – that they couldn't live without each other. This is my take on Kirks POV. I apologise for any OOC-ness and shitty writing in general. That said, ENJOY PEOPLES. 3

**Leaving Home : **

Jim stared at the stars, hands held loosely held behind back, the military position anchoring him more than he would care to admit. The observation deck was eerily silent at this time of night, the gentle hum of the ship beneath his feet doing nothing to ease the tension in his shoulders.

_Five years. Five whole years, over. _

He could hardly believe it himself. It seemed like just yesterday...his hands clenched...just yesterday when he had stepped on to his ship, energy and determination burning his veins, ready to prove to those fossils that masqueraded as admirals that they hadn't made a mistake when they had appointed him the youngest captain in Starfleet History. And he had. By God he had.

He had brought the Enterprise back in one piece, now the military's most successful flagship, losing the least amount of crew that any ship on a deep space mission had lost. It was one more first for him, one more medal, one more barrier broken. And now they had offered him Admiralty. It made sense, really, he thought, letting out a small bark of laughter. It echoed back and he let himself imagine that the ship was laughing with him, the thought warming the tight knot in his stomach a tiny bit.

He should be ecstatic, he scolded himself. Admiral James T Kirk, the youngest ever admiral in history. It even had a nice ring to it, he admitted, the stars in front of him blurring for a moment as he let his mind wander. He sighed aloud a second later, not in the habit of lying to himself. He _had _ been ecstatic when he had first heard the news, a week ago, shocked even. But that was then, and this was now. It had taken just two days for reality to coil her cold fingers around him.

He didn't _want_ the duties that came with the rank of Admiral. He was an explorer , a pirate, he fancied in his most wistful moments, and dammit, he needed to _explore. _ Sitting at a desk, mollycoddling other captains and looking after paper work didn't gel with the image he had of himself. Hell, Spock did most of his paper work even today.

His shoulders slumped a little. _Spock_. The half Vulcan being who had wormed his way so deep into his heart and skin that Jim couldn't take half a step without looking over his shoulder, addicted to the warm eyes and easy calm of his first officer behind him. It hadn't taken very long for them to become lovers once he had caught site of the tall, brooding Vulcan, Jim thought with a fond smile. After all, Jim Kirk always got his man, even if said man was a Vulcan. A few months of casual teasing and flirting had culminated into one very passionate night of sex ; of strong hands, desperate moans and a searing, almost unbearable heat inside him. Four and a half years later and he still shuddered at the memory.

If he was honest with himself, the intensity of that encounter had winded him, may even terrified him. Which was probably why he had pretended to be so casual about it afterward, grinning at Spock with a "let's go mind the store", the morning after it had first happened. H e had needed to prove to himself that what they had done was just slightly tipsy friends finding companionship in each other. Nothing more, nothing less. So he had bedded beautiful women when the opportunity arose, kissing them goodbye with a chaste peck on their lips, feeling relieved and happy when he stepped on to the bridge again. Of course, when he looked back now, what on the surface seemed like his intense desire to return to the ship, was actually his need to return home, return to _Spock._

His first officer had accepted his promiscuity with the same dignity he did all things, a raised eyebrow and maybe an exasperated resignation, even amusement. Jim suspected Spock was rather relieved as well, to escape having to acknowledge that their little night together might mean more than just sex. He was half Vulcan after all, and dealing with raw emotion was not something he liked to do. It had been the perfect arrangement, Jim thought and over the years, they found themselves in each other's beds more often than not . It was so easy, natural like breathing, that Jim found he couldn't remember the exact date he stopped looking for other partners. Spock would know, no doubt, he thought, grinning before he could help himself.

"Captain."

_Spock_. His grin fell and he straightened, hands clutched behind him as he turned to face his First Office, his lover, his friend, his –

"Captain. I come to offer my congratulations on your promotion."

The coldness in his voice hurt, burned, like hot metal on flesh, but Jim would never admit it. He hadn't said anything ever since Spock had suddenly shut him out two week ago. For _no_ apparent god dammed reason. Spock had even flinched away from him three days ago when he had tried to kiss him. He forced himself to unclench his hands behind him, a feeling of sick dread washing over his anger. He didn't understand it, and it was making his stomach twist and his muscles tense. His instinct was warning him that something bad was going to happen, and he had no idea how to stop it. It made him feel helpless, nauseous and furious.

His eyes narrowed on the stiff figure before him, "I'm _not_ taking the promotion." He hadn't meant to sound so sharp but the words left him anyway, the frustration of the last few weeks filtering though.

"That is...wise, Captain."

"Oh, is it?" Jim said, walking closer to the figure half shrouded in darkness. Spock took a quick step backward but a stray beam of light betrayed the expression on the Vulcan's face.

_Fear. Pain. Love. Need. Shame_. Jim felt the flashes of emotion like he owned them himself and he gasped, stopping dead in his tracks, his heart pulsing madly in his chest.

"_Spock -"_

"Captain, I came to offer you my resignation-"

Jim swallowed, wanting nothing but to envelope his first officer in a embrace, anything to ease the turmoil in the man that he loved.

Loved. _Loved. _Something he had never thought was possible. Before Spock.

Jim couldn't imagine a life without him, he didn't _want _to. Spock felt the same, didn't he? He _had_ to. He brought his hands to his sides, fists clenched, angry that he was second guessing himself. Spock _did _love him. He knew it like he knew he was destined to be among the stars.

"_No," _ he hissed, "I'm going to request to stay with the enterprise ." _And you are going to stay with me_. _Say you will, Spock_, _say you will. _He didn't say it aloud, but he didn't need to, because Spock heard everything.

"Captain-"

"Call me Jim, dammit!" he said, not understanding why he was so upset. It was like a part of him already knew what Spock was going to say and was already defending itself from the attack.

"_Captain_. I am sorry, but I am resigning from Starfleet."

Jim blinked, the meaning behind the statement making his blood run cold. Spock was leaving Starfleet, Spock was leaving _him_. No No Nononono.

"What?"

"I have already given my papers to Admiral Komack."

Jim wasn't listening, fists clenched to stop himself from shaking. "Did – Have I done anything wrong?" He found himself saying, his voice trembling in an effort to keep himself in check. A distant part of his mind registered how he must look, pathetic and weak, inches close from begging Spock to stay.

"_Jim._" It was a plea now, the entreaty in Spock's voice, to leave it alone, to let him go, making the pain burn that much more. "It is something I must do."

"Where are you going? Vulcan? If - If I accept the promotion, I could always get posted there." The distant part of his mind was taunting him again, mocking him, the great Captain James T Kirk, desperate and close to tears, but he didn't care. Nothing mattered more than getting Spock to stay. _Nothing._ What would he do without his best friend, his _soul mate_? It was too overwhelming to even consider.

"No. I am going where you cannot follow, Captain. "

_Captain _again. The way Spock used that word to slam the door on his face infuriated him. Why wasn't he even acknowledging how _stupid _this was. How ridiculous it was to be bailing when everything was _perfect. _Red hot rage boiled inside him. How could the _one_ person Jim let himself fall in love with _leave_ him? _How dare he-_

"Why?" Jim snarled, nursing his anger, drawing strength from it.

Spock hesitated, looking away.

"If you're going to leave me high and dry, _First Officer_," Jim was unsurprised at the acid in his voice, "I deserve to know the truth."

Spock closed his eyes like he was steeling himself, then he opened them, hard and opaque.

"I am joining the ancient discipline of Kohlinar, the-"

"Enough," Jim said, staying him with a raised palm, shock stuttering his anger for the moment. "I know what that means."

Spock took a deep breath, "Then you understand why I must-"

"No, Spock, I DONT!" The last two words erupting in a yell.

Spock was silent, hands behind his back. The military posture, just one more god forsaken barrier, felt like one more betrayal.

"Do you hate what we have that much, that you want to _murder_ it?" Spock flinched but Jim went on, relentless, incapable of rising past the white hot agony in his chest, "What makes you think you even have a _right_ to? " _Do you hate me that much Spock? Do you? _

"You - you do not understand." Spock voice was tight, like if stretched anymore it would break.

"I don't want to!" Jim turned away, gripping the back of the bench on the observation deck for support. This used to be their favourite spot together, he remembered mirthlessly. Hell, they'd even had sex on this very bench, laughing when Spock had bucked Jim onto the floor by mistake. The memory scalded like steam, and he wrenched his hands away from the cold metal. He couldn't believe that the one universal truth he believed in, that he would have Spock with him, always, was evaporating in front of his eyes and he couldn't do one damn thing about it. _Why_. Why would Spock want to leave? Spock needed him, loved him, loved him more than he had ever loved anyone in his life, Jim knew that, had seen it in his mind countless times.

And yet –

Jim whirred around as realisation seeped into him, draining his anger and leaving him cold and exhausted. Spock wasn't leaving him because he wasn't happy, Spock was leaving _because _he was happy. The fear he had felt from the Vulcan suddenly made sense and he raised his palm to his forehead, hoping the truth would go away if he pressed hard enough.

Spock was terrified . Of what was going on between them, of how much they needed each other, and how Un Vulcan he was becoming. Logically, of course, the answer was to purge all emotion so he wouldn't _need _to feel anymore, he wouldn't need to feel vulnerable or weak and he wouldn't need James Kirk. Spock was running away and the irony of the situation was enough to make him grimace. Who knew that one day it would James T Kirk who would be left in the dust, alone and miserable.

Whatever expression twisted his face was enough to make Spock look away and Jim was silent, still leaning on the bench, the ache in his heart hardening into something bitter and cold.

"I do not expect you to forgive me," the Vulcan murmured.

"If you need to leave, then leave." Jim said , unable to look Spock in the eye, unable to bear this anymore. _Please, don't do this. Spock_...

"My resignation-"

"Will be signed and on your desk by morning." _Please. _

"I see. Thank you, Captain."

The Vulcan turned and Jim felt a painful lump in his throat as he watched the retreating back, hating Spock for reducing him to this, a broken, lonely, middle aged man. Hating him even more for knowing that he would take Spock back even now, and hating him the most for hearing each and every plea in Jim's mind, but leaving anyway.


End file.
